Saturday, January 18, 2025

On Venice

No one should write another chapter on Venice. Goodreads lists 308 books set in Venice, and that’s just full-length novels, not counting essays, travel logs by many famous and not so famous writers that have gone before. Those who have lived there, or have made it their home for a summer. Those who have experienced it as a resident, shopped at the fish market, the local produce stand, and chatted with neighbors while standing by a bar, cappuccino in hand.. But here I am, writing about a typical week-long tour of Venice. I did all the tourist things, ate at ridiculously-priced tourist cafes, shopped for kitschy souvenirs. I should stop. But it is my week in Venice. So there.

We went in winter. The week before Christmas to be exact. What stuck out in my memory of Venice was the mist. The water vapor that rolled in from the canal, the waterways, the ocean. You’ll be riding a vaporetto (a water bus that traversed the canal), shooting videos of palaces on either side, when suddenly, everything turns a thick, milky gray. The colors fade. The sky blends in with the air around you like a cloud. Is that a drizzle? No, there are no water drops. Just damp. You feel the chill and wet seep into your scarf, your jacket, your pants. Unlike the locals–were they locals though?--we remained at the prow of the boat, insisting on taking in the view, however obscured it was.


We watched the weather everyday. Rain was expected on two of the days we were there. Luckily, it never rained so hard that we needed an umbrella. We are from Seattle, we said. (Funny enough, everyone nodded with recognition when we mentioned that fact.) We are resilient to the weather, be it rain or cold. But one day the campanile was closed on account of visibility, so we had to change our plans.


There are no straight roads going anywhere. You cannot get to your destination “as the crow flies”. It is a series of zig zags, sometimes to go around a church, sometimes to find a bridge across a waterway, sometimes to cross a campo (small square, and there are lots of campos). Sometimes you backtrack because you missed the tiny alley so narrow you think it should not be given a name and cannot possibly be open to the public. We navigated everyday by Google Maps. When we did not, we got lost just walking between our apartment and San Marco–even though we must have traipsed through those cobblestoned paths dozens of times. Sometimes, I’d let my guard down and rely on my sense of direction, and we’d invariably wander into an unfamiliar neighborhood and end up at a deadend street, looking at the forlorn canal, unable to get to the other side.


The canal water of Venice is a murky turquoise color. I cannot tell you how it came to have that strange hue, whether naturally or artificially. It is neither a reflection of the sky, which is blue, nor the manifestation of algae, which would be green. It remains its mysterious self, a timeless all-encompassing entity around and underneath Venice, a constant lapping presence that divides and subdivides neighborhoods. It muffles sounds the way trees and sand dunes do.


What do I remember about the trip but the hundreds of photographs that tether me to frozen moments in time when we posed in front of some landmark or postcard scene you can easily find on Google or Getty Images? What still stands out after two weeks? What will stand out a year from now? Here are some bits and pieces that don’t come with the pictures.


There were many Chinese shopkeepers in Venice. My favorite clothing store was just steps away from our apartment. If I navigate correctly, I’d pass by it each time on our way to San Marco. There was always a Chinese lady behind the register, but not always the same one. I ducked into it because the store was always empty (maybe we were there during odd hours of the day, nine in the morning, or eight at night) and it had a nice display window. They had many cute clothes, but I did not try on many–being a bit uncomfortable trying out clothes in a boutique store as the sole customer. I did, though, just one day. While shedding my thick coat, scarf, extra layers of thermal shirt and pants, I could hear my husband chatting with the lady in Chinese. She was surprised we were Chinese at all. “I thought you were Japanese–you seem so polite.” I guess her encounters with mainlanders had not always been pleasant. (We had seen droves of Chinese tourists around the city. They always moved in droves, and you had to part for them to pass.) It was a nice little exchange. We learned how long she had lived in Venice–over twenty (or was it thirty?) years. I wondered how her children grew up? Where were all the schools? We never passed by any. We chatted with the Chinese storekeeper at a little leather bag shop as well. These leather bag shops were everywhere, all selling the same designs, probably sourced from the same Italian factories run by the same Chinese owners with laborers flown in from China. 


Just past the second bridge on our way to San Marco was a little grocery store called Despar. It’s just a little  bigger than a convenience store like 7-Eleven, with some fruit, vegetables, baked goods, etc. That’s where we picked up eggs by the half dozen (never refrigerated). The person at the checkout was also Chinese, but he spoke with a strange accent (Italian?). Each time I stood in line to pay for my purchase, I’d get flustered thinking of counting out the exact combination of coins and small bills I’d have to fish out from my coin purse and the many pockets on my person or handbag. Oh, why are we so awkward when we become tourists? Most of the time, I just laid out the change on the counter and let him pick out the right amount. It was faster that way. No pleasantries there. Just the simple “buongiorno” and “grazie”.


We were very diligent about trash. It is something you learn when staying at an AirBnB. To my surprise, our host Giulio did not actually speak English. All of our correspondences on What’s App were actually with his son, Roberto, whose command of English seemed adequate (maybe he was using a translator app). On the day we were checking in, Giulio, a frail, bent, older man showed us the apartment while we mimed at each other. One thing that really stuck out was on the subject of trash. With all the hand gestures and sound effects he was making, I got the sense this was something important to do on a daily basis. Later we found instructions in multiple languages in the apartment about recycling and trash disposal. We learned that trash collection was done everyday, and recycling, while also done everyday, focused on alternate categories, paper on odd days, glass and plastics on even days. This had us wondering what the daily collection was like? What would be the signal? Was there a protocol? What time exactly? Did we need to wait before going out for the day? Next day and everyday after that, I listened. It was not obvious and yet you know it very quickly. The sound of someone coming around the neighborhood pulling a large cart behind him and talking to the neighbors. Just like in my home on Thursdays we get used to the thundering sounds of trash bags dropped into the garbage truck, the thumps of plastic lids banging against the bins, and the rev of engine as the truck moves from house to house, in Venice, you hear a distant echo of someone hollering, the wheels of the cart rolling over the stones, and the polite exchanges between the collector and the neighbors. We learned very quickly to wait and hand him our small bag of daily trash. It was a very civilized, yet primitive affair. And it felt liberating not keeping around a great amount of trash for the week.


We followed the usual tourist itineraries but at half speed, partly because the days were shorter (and we are not early risers), also we had the entire week and did not want to rush. 


Day 1 (Sunday): 


We walked the Rialto bridge and did the Grand Canal cruise. To make the one-way ticket worthwhile (it costs 9 euros per person), we decided to walk all the way to the northern end of the canal near the train station, so we could get a nice, long ride back while taking a look at the Constitution Bridge. We set out for the twenty–or-so-minute walk through the streets of San Polo but soon learned that navigation by Google Maps in Venice was a tricky and inexact business. Hungry and a little tired, we ducked into a restaurant that was very much off the beaten path. In fact, there was no one at the Campo San Polo square on a Sunday morning, and the restaurant (Birraria La Corte) looked almost entirely hidden from view. But it turned out to be one of the most memorable meals we had in Venice. Once we stepped inside the restaurant, we were greeted by a surprisingly large space, with many alcoves and rooms. The atmosphere was warm, in temperature and decor, and in the way the waiters greeted us. We ordered three items on the menu, as I had read that one should always try to order at least a couple of courses per person, tagliatelle, octopus pizza, and short ribs. It turned out to be a mistake, as the portions were so large we had a hard time finishing. At the same time, we did not regret any of the dish, as they were so hearty and delectable that we could not fathom walking away leaving anything uneaten!!!


The Constitution Bridge, famously designed by Calatrava, turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. It had nothing of the airy and elegant flying buttresses and cables that he is famous for. It was just a simple arch (an indistinct gray in the misty distance) that spanned the mouth of the canal. We boarded the vaporetto and took our seats on the upper deck at the front of the boat, despite the cold and drizzle (and wet seats). By the time we got off at San Marco station, the fog had rolled in, engulfing us and all the surrounding islands in its mysterious aura. The beautiful Basilica Santa Maria della Salute was nothing but a hazy, floating mirage across the water. We strolled through the Royal Garden, past the large Christmas tree that dominated the promenade, past the piles of concrete pavers behind wired fences in front of the Doge Palace marking another restoration project, past the pushcarts loaded with hats, scarves, and other indistinct souvenirs in front of the basilica, past the pigeons and empty, upturned tables and chairs sitting forlorn in the bleak winter, and ended at Caffe Florian. A warm, busy, and happy refuge. It became our habit for the week–stopping for afternoon snacks and a drink somewhere in San Marco after a day of sightseeing. The place was busy. We were lucky to have gotten a table squashed amidst other tiny tables surrounded by tired tourists. The tables and chairs were very classy and elegant, so were the walls, which were decorated with beautiful candelabras and mirrors and wallpapers. The silver tray brought to us was glorious. Almost too large for the table, laden with coffee, tea in lovely china with the Florian logo, cakes decorated with sheets of chocolate and gold leaf that bore the Caffe Florian design, embossed napkins and pretty cards you’ll want to take home as souvenirs. It was an extravagant affair, and we were glad to have done it. But it was far from relaxing.


Day 2 (Monday)


When it comes to being a proper tourist, whether you have one day, three days, or seven, you need to make sure to get the essential, must-see sights out of the way before indulging in personal whims. Being a conscientious tourist–and I don’t mean ecotourism or anything righteous like that–I just mean wanting to do the “right thing” by Rick Steves and Fodor, we started Monday with a visit to St Mark’s Basilica. With it being winter on an early-ish Monday morning, there was hardly a line. We bought our tickets and followed the signs (and the flow of traffic) into the large and cool interior of the cathedral. Awed by the ceiling paintings and frescoes (much of which was too high up to appreciate with the naked eye), the beautiful and intricate floor tiles, each mosaic tells a different story from the others, we took lots of pictures while speaking in hushed tones and self-consciously tiptoeing back and forth through the choir, transept, and apse. We toured the museum in the upper story, admired the bronze horses that looked so realistic down to the sinews and veins on their straining faces, ducked out to the balcony where you can look down on the entire St Marks square. We lingered there and around the other side where you have a nice view of the Doge Palace and the water beyond.


Taking a break from grandeur, we ducked into some of the streets behind the square in search of an antique clothing store we had wanted to check out. We ate lunch in one of the many restaurants around San Marco. It was empty–too early for lunch I think. The waiter (Middle Eastern or Indian?) was very polite. The tables were set out with beautiful, one-of-a-kind Murano water glasses–as we came to expect from all restaurants in Venice. We had seafood pasta and risotto. Both were delightful, but after a while you come to expect that Italian food is just good food, no matter if it’s haute cuisine you pay two hundred euros for or a run-of-the-mill establishment owned by immigrants from another part of Europe or Asia.


Having rested, we forged on to Doge’s Palace, a massive building meant to awe, overwhelm, and intimidate anyone crossing its threshold. We went from room to room, each larger and grander than the other, each covered from wall to ceiling with paintings by Italian masters. The paintings were encased and separated by elaborate, gilded frames that were either built into the ceiling or deftly painted on as an illusion, one cannot tell which is which. I must admit, having been through many such European palaces including the Louvre, Versailles, El Prado, Belvedere, one can get somewhat jaded by the gold, the glitter, and the endless Renaissance art, each larger than life, each a masterpiece in its own right. You begin to take it for granted. This was the heart of Renaissance after all, where art flourished in abundance. In America, we would celebrate one of these wall-sized paintings and make it a monumental event and sell tickets and draw thousands of visitors. Here, it’s everywhere, and you can see it for free (almost).


After the grand rooms, we transitioned towards the dodgier side of the building, the courts where political prisoners were sentenced (still elaborate with painting and wood paneling, but more austere), the passage to the prisons just on the other side across the narrow ditch (they call it the Bridge of Sighs), the bare jail cells and dungeons with thick wood and iron doors.


With that, our homage to San Marco done, we retreated into Caffe Quadri, also a centuries-old cafe across from Caffe Florian on the other side of the square. It didn’t have the long line of people outside or the crowds inside like Florian. Neither did the wait staff seem as interested in having any customers at all. The overall feel was one of nonchalance (or was it disdain?). Still, the decor was lovely, and with it being much, much quieter, we were happy to settle into our seats and enjoy our afternoon refreshment.


Exhausted, we picked up some sandwiches on our way back and settled into our humble ground-floor apartment just off of Campo San Maria Formosa. Still jet lagged, we went to sleep and would invariably wake up at two in the morning.


Day 3 (Tuesday)


With the obligatory sights (the five-star, “if you have only one day…”  to-dos from guidebooks) out of the way, I thought we’d tackle the four-star destinations, keep it flexible, do more wandering around neighborhoods and more shopping. There were a few set reservations, however, on my agenda. Lunch at AMO, a terrace viewing atop Fondaco dei Tedeschi by the Rialto Bridge, and dinner at Ai Mercanti.


Since the viewing wasn’t until 11am, we wandered slowly through the shopping areas towards T Fondaco. Passing Campo san Bortolomio and probably the highest concentration of designer stores in Venice, we found many cute window displays and made a mental note to return to this place or that. When we finally got to the palace-turned shopping galleria T Fondaco, we were told the terrace was closed on account of the rain. It was disappointing, as we had high hopes of getting some panoramic views of the canal from there. With extra time to kill before lunch, we went down to AMO to grab some cappuccino. AMO is just an atrium cafe at the base of T Fondaco, strewn with whimsical cushioned sofas and artsy pillows. After the coffee, with the day being so short, we decided to cancel our lunch plans and continue on our journey. 


While strolling the Rialto Bridge, We ducked into a men’s clothing store. Forty-five minutes later, we walked away with a nice blue jacket. It was very well made and not terribly expensive. On the other side of the canal, we strolled by the famous outdoor fish market, which was empty, it being past midday. All the tables were covered with tarp. The day’s fishy-smelling trash gathered in big bags by the water, waiting for pickup by the garbage barge. It looked just like another day in a normal Italian city. No tourists. Nothing to look at.


We were heading towards Basilica S.Maria Gloriosa dei Frari. At this point, we were very conscious of conserving energy and minimizing the distance our feet would have to cover. One thing you learn very quickly is how much pounding your feet have to do on those cobblestones. Unlike dirt, gravel, or even cement, cobblestones were hard and uneven, giving no cushioning of any sort. Furthermore, it was rainy and cold. Just a drizzle, but enough to dampen one’s spirits. We thought about going back to Birraria for lunch but did not have the presence of mind to take a detour (or did we just get lost?). After what felt like a long time, we made it to the Frari–but not before we stopped by Muro Frari just across the bridge for some sustenance. The restaurant greeted us with a warm fire, which immediately cheered us. We had steak and branzino en papillote.


On this rainy Tuesday, the Frari church was nearly empty. One was free to linger, to contemplate, to gaze up at the paintings by Titian, or pay tribute to the artist’s stately tomb, along with memorials to Canova and other important personages of Venice over the centuries. Afterwards, we wandered into Scuola San Rocco, which held another impressive collection of paintings and sculptures and ceilings–can I refer to entire ceilings covered with paintings separated by gilt frames as another form of art in itself? We took the vaporetto back to Rialto (a short, one-stop ride that cost us 9 euros each) as we were too tired to walk. We went in search of the shoe store (Bata) we had passed earlier in the day. There I found my favorite pair of black boots.


That evening we had one of the most delightful dinners during our trip. Ai Mercanti was unpretentious and yet every bit meticulous in its service and food presentation. We each picked a three-course meal, themed around seafood, of course. Octopus with a winter-themed mix of flavors and garnishes. Cod in a mild Thai-curry soup. My favorite was an exquisite Mediterranean dessert built with pureed sweet potatoes served with fruit compote, honey, and cream.


Our palate and stomach satisfied, we strolled the short distance back to our apartment but managed to get lost again, taking an unplanned detour into yet another unfamiliar neighborhood, finally pulling up Google Maps, having given up all pretenses that we were, on the third day after our arrival, anything but a couple of bumbling tourists. Still, that sensation of romance of wandering in quiet, deserted Venetian streets after dark cannot be easily described. All the shops were closed. We would stand in front of a mask workshop gawking at the assemblage of unique, elaborately decorated masks in the display window, each one a fragile objet d’art you’d hang on a wall and show off to your friends. Outside of designer boutiques, we’d admire and discuss the stylish handbags and clothes which were well beyond our budget. While most streets were dimly lit by a few street lights, some thoroughfares were canopied by criss-crossing Christmas lights, some even with dangling orbs or stars to light the way. At night the churches took on a maternal, homey aura. Their imposing proportions veiled by the dark, they gave off a warm light guiding all passersby. That’s the time I love Venice the most.


To be continued...


Saturday, July 18, 2015

Surprises and Random Encounters -- in which I throw in a lot of unrelated photos

When you travel, you expect to be surprised. That's, after all, the whole point of flying fourteen hours half-way around the world, sleeping in unfamiliar beds, taking lukewarm showers, and pounding the pavement in 104-degree heat with no sunscreen. It's a lot of work (and expenses). If all you get is merely what you expected, then you may as well have stayed in the comfort of your home or treated yourself to many nights out at top restaurants and spas in town. Fortunately, that never happens.

Some of the best memories of our trip were not planned at all. For example, we stumbled upon the elaborate changing of the guards ceremony at the royal palace in Madrid. It only happens at noon on the first Wednesday of every month, and we arrived just as the regal pageant got underway. Hundreds of royal guards and horses participated in a carefully choreographed ceremony to the music played by the marching band.








This is not a photo in Italy. This is, however, a roman coliseum in the city of Nimes in southern France. We saw it because our connecting train was cancelled due to a train workers' strike and we had to wait for the next one. Instead of feeling like I lost an hour during transit, I felt like I got handed an extra hour on a roman platter.



Sometimes, there are surprises of a different nature...



which, my children assure me, can be just as thrilling and Instagram-worthy, if not more so... 



like seeing exotic cars all lined up in a row and riding concept cars on Avenue des Champs-Élysées.



While riding the train to Versailles, a musician came onboard and began singing to the handful of passengers in our car. There are, in fact, musicians everywhere in Paris. Many play in the metro tunnels, some with classical instruments, others with more modern or even unconventional contraptions. All lend a pleasant surprise to your coming and going. All invite you to stop, linger, and enjoy the moment--for a few spare coins, which you are in no obligation to give. But we often gave (and gladly!).



Performers in Spain have other talents besides music. This street performer had us baffled as he floated effortlessly above his motorcycle.







Here's a lovely view of the street from our humble apartment in Barcelona, which we had not expected.



And here is the view from our luxury hotel in Madrid, which we had not expected either.





Here we discover that you can buy potato chips wrapped in Barça insignia.



...and Starbucks can take on a palatial façade.





And a fine table setting can be found anywhere!





Of course, a survey of surprises and random delights wouldn't be complete without food. On our trip, Sam discovered that he likes steak tartare. If you have no idea what it is, google it. (It's the stuff Mr. Bean tried to stuff into some lady's handbag at a restaurant.) My all-too-curious husband also enjoyed a delectable dish of lamb brains. Yes, you read that correctly. Incidentally, it was pretty tasty.


On the tamer side of things, we discovered eggplant chips were a wonderful appetizer.



And an octopus tentacle can make a fine entrée. By the way, entrées in Europe are not the main courses as we know them. They are, instead, starters. Surprised? Just to clarify, this tentacle did make a satisfying main course.





Finally, I'll leave you with this mural tucked in an alleyway in Barcelona. Behind every door like this is a fine boutique or a gourmet candy store waiting to be discovered. All it takes is a willingness to wander off the main thoroughfare. You will, mostly likely, lose your way and forget which direction you came from. But then you might be thoroughly happy with what you find instead.


Sunday, July 12, 2015

A Photoblog: Our European Trip - Part 2

My favorite things in Paris





Without a doubt, my favorite part of visiting Paris is picking up fresh breads every morning at the neighborhood boulangerie and fruit from the corner produce stand--not to mention poking my head in the patisseries beckoning with their varieties of tarts and pastries, the likes of which I have never seen this side of the Atlantic. 

I love strolling along the narrow cobblestone street in the early mornings, on my own, without a camera or guidebook, pretending to be a Parisian and returning to our apartment with arms laden with the morning's conquest, but just enough for one day, because the shops would be open tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.








Sidewalk cafes. Sure, we have those here, too. But somehow, they do it with style. There are cloth napkins, always, and silverware and wine glasses, and waiters in lovely black-and-white uniforms. And you can't beat the view, whether it's humble, narrow cobblestone streets or boulevards lined with grand hotels and palaces.

Of course, the coffee is always good. Very good.



Oh, and did I mention the red awnings?





Then there's Monet. 

Did you hear the sigh at the end of that sentence? You should, because I finally made it to Musée d'Orsay! How I wish I could live in that museum for a week!





Paris has an amazing skyline from atop just about any edifice. But it was especially poetic to see the city through a clock.





Cruising on the Seine, I realized how easy it was to see Paris the way the impressionists did. It was the water. You don't even need to squint to see the paint strokes that make up this scene.



Or this one.



I've tried to avoid putting up a picture of the Eiffel Tower. (Believe me, it's harder than you think. That huge structure does seem to show up everywhere you look.) But I can't resist the one family photo that proves we were all there--including me! By some unbelievable chance we were all smiling, with our eyes open even, And the tower was perfectly centered behind us! I have the stranger who took this picture to thank.

Here's a travel tip: when you are at a picturesque spot, ask someone if they might want to have a group photo taken. Offer your service, and they will happily reciprocate. Look for someone who has a clunky DSLR camera draped over his/her neck. You'll have a better chance of getting a good picture taken.





I'll close this one post with another picture of food. Who can resist a display like this? With all the amazing goodies they have all over the city, it's a wonder how any Parisian can stay thin. Perhaps the secret is that they are choosey of what they consume. Eat well, in small quantities, and reject everything else not worth eating.



A good rule to live by, at least for me, after all the croissants and tarte tatin and duck confit and chocolates...



Saturday, July 11, 2015

A Photoblog: Our European Trip - Part 1

I'll be really honest. I find most travel photos, including my own, extremely boring. For whatever sentiments or emotions one may experience at the time the pictures are taken, the photos themselves invariably turn out to look just like a bunch of postcards one gets from souvenir stands, with no personality to them.

When I set out on our family vacation this year, I had determined to take photos differently, to give them the unique and artistic spin that truly reflects the unique nature of our trip. Alas! Once I landed on the foreign soil, my tourist instinct kicked into high gear, and all my good intentions evaporated into oblivion.

So why am I posting a photo blog of our travels? Because these days you just don't pick up your stack of prints from Costco and sort them and arrange them in a photo album any more. Still, that desire to re-live your favorite vacation moments remains. I call it the "vacation denouement". It's what you do when all the luggages are unpacked, your souvenir magnets installed in their rightful places on the fridge, your boxes of delectable goodies finally opened and savored, and you are still not ready to leave the state of vacationing.

So indulge me if you will, but I understand if you'd rather not. Here are some of the moments from our trip to Paris, Barcelona, and Madrid, broken into installments.

Paris


Vacation is about family. Family jet-lagged and in unfamiliar surroundings. Family getting lost while taking a stroll but ending up in some cool place few tourists go -- partly because it's closed for the day. (But you'll be surprised how many tourists congregate at the Louvre even on the day it's closed.) This is not the Louvre. It is the National Archives. Besides a couple of joggers, we had the whole place to ourselves.





What's a vacation without posing in front of a famous monument with a thousand other people in the background? Well, the thousand other people cease to be the "thousand other people" when you meet a mother and a daughter who hail from a city only a few miles from yours (and the daughter goes to a rival high school from your son's), and a young woman who is working as an au pair in Paris and plans to return to Oklahoma (my husband's alma mater) to study medicine. The world can be small in that way.





By the way, it was Sunday. And we were at church. Technically.

In case you're wondering, this is Notre Dame Cathedral. You know... the famous one Victor Hugo wrote about...





Here's one to prove to you that my tourist instinct was alive and well.






There's nothing like chancing upon a city-wide music festival, where the denizens of the whole city are out having fun, and there is live music in every street corner. Okay, some of these bands aren't very good, but hey, it's free, and it's Paris. So who's complaining?




Those who say that French waiters are snobbish and standoff-ish have never met our waitress at Café des Musées.

A note to you foodies out there, ham* and cantaloupe are a match made in heaven.

* I don't mean the round or rectangular, reconstituted, watery pink stuff you get in the lunchmeat section of Safeway.



And finally....

I will leave you with this.






A bridge loaded with countless locks, each signifying a couple's love and devotion to each other. Now, are you hearing Louis Armstrong's La Vie En Rose yet? If you didn't, I bet you do now.


To be continued...


Monday, December 30, 2013

On Re-Entering the Atmosphere

This is probably the longest stretch of time in which I have not written a word. Leaving for full-time work for the first time in sixteen years (and one that requires a 90-minute commute into downtown) has created no small amount of disturbance in what used to be a laid-back rural family with two kids and two cats, who have never known a day without Mom being around or at least within easy reach. For me, my recurring dream (of returning to work) and nightmare (of not being able to care for my children) have both become reality overnight.

Other people do this all the time. That is what I keep saying to myself. Somehow, most women hold down a job, commute to and from work, and still find time to shop for groceries, feed the family, keep the house clean, sing in the church choir, and maybe even attend the PTA. For me, it was all I could do to curl up on the sofa every night and play a mindless computer game and then roll into bed.

You'll get used to the routine, and things will get easier. That is the other thing I tell myself. The kids will learn to cook, do laundry, and maybe pick up after themselves. The cats will learn to sort themselves out when they fight. Dust will learn to gather in the bin or become invisible. And I will learn to gather all my things--glasses, umbrella, gloves, iPod--before getting off the bus.

You should write some of these new experiences down. I've been wanting to write and finding little time after playing the mindless computer game. Reflection and the effort to be coherent takes too much energy.

Still, we are making progress. I am writing my first blog entry in months. My husband and kids are making dinner. And yes, dust around the house is becoming invisible. I think we'll come through the atmosphere,  make a good splash in the Pacific Ocean, and be okay.

Friday, August 23, 2013

A Generation Without a Past

When Chang Kai Shek's troops marched into Beijing, the victorious army finally arrived to repossess the Capital of the North from the Japanese invaders, we the citizens of Beijing thronged the streets, craning our necks, anxious to welcome these heroes of war with flags in our hands. It had been many weeks since the Japanese surrender was announced on the radio, and we all waited--for some momentous event to mark the end of the war and, perhaps even more importantly, for someone or something to signal the start of something new and better.

Then they came. Only it was not what I expected. The troops tramped into the city looking haggard and exhausted, foot soldiers with worn out shoes, tattered and grimy uniforms, gaunt and vacant faces as if they had not eaten for weeks. They did not march as much as trudged through the streets of Beijing. It was an anticlimax after eight years of holding your breath for victory. Chang's bedraggled, ragtag army. I will never forget that sight.

That was 1945, and the sight belonged to my father. But the image is etched in my mind as well. Someone once said, "When an old persons dies, a library has burnt to the ground." I know that to be true. When my father died in 2007, many things were lost besides the one who doted on me ever since I was born. With him went my connection to China, my uncles and cousins whom I'd never met, and a hazy past I can no longer retrieve on my own. You see, he was my connection to history, the history of China, the history of World War II, the rise of Mao, and the start of a new government in Taiwan. His stories are what tie our lives--my life--into the big events that happened, like when you look at the directory and map of a multi-story shopping mall, and there's that little red dot that says, "You are here."

Often we study history through textbooks and encyclopedia, but rarely do we learn what it's like to be a person who lived day-to-day through those turmoils. No history book tells you what Chinese children did for school or ate for lunch under the Japanese occupation. No one reported how sorry the Nationalist soldiers looked when they marched into Beijing under Chang Kai Shek's leadership.

I do not know my grandparents very well. My father's parents died while he was a youngster. My mother's parents spoke a different dialect (Taiwanese) and did not spend much time with us. It has always been my cherished wish that my children should grow up knowing their grandparents. As it turned out, my children never learned to speak Chinese, and my parents, for all the years they've lived in America, have never become fluent in English. And we lived six hundred miles from my parents. My children, like me, are estranged from their heritage, a past that belongs to them, yet entirely unknown. They do not miss it now because children live in the present. But I wonder if they might look back someday and reach for that past: How did I come about? Why am I here? Why am I in Washington and not in Taiwan or Hong Kong or Beijing? (I often joke that if it weren't for Mao, my dad would never have moved to Taiwan, and he would never have met my mom, and then where would I be? So I have Mao to thank for my existence today.)

A couple of years before my dad passed away, I asked him if I could record his stories on video. He had always been a natural-born storyteller, a trait, sadly, I did not inherit. So for two weeks I had a video recorder running in our living room, while my dad told me about his childhood, about his teenage years working in a Japanese auto shop repairing vehicles for the soldiers, about his life as an Air Force officer in the Nationalist military, about how he wooed my mom with barely a yuan under his name, about how he, my mom, and the three of us came to America with suitcases stuffed with all that we possessed and three layers of clothes on us because they couldn't fit in the luggage. I turned these into 3 DVDs and gave them to relatives. I knew, even then, that I wanted to preserve his stories for my children, that I'd someday add subtitles to those videos so my children could watch and understand.

Those DVDs are still sitting in a box. I have not touched them since my father died. After all these years, I still do not feel ready to put those DVDs on.  Sometimes the only way to cope with the loss of someone you love is to put some distance between you and the memories. The less you experience them, the less you feel the sadness--and none of us want sadness. We put those emotions in a box and bury them deep in a vault under lock and key. I thought that someday, when the sadness and the feeling of loss is finally gone, I would open that box and revive the DVDs for my children, perhaps even turn them into a book.

I've been reading "Tuesdays With Morrie" by Mitch Albom. There's a a part where Morrie, a dying old man in his seventies, shed a tear while talking about losing his mother when he was ten. "That was seventy years ago your mother died," asked his interviewer, who happened to be Ted Koppel, "The pain still goes on?" Morrie answered him, "You bet."

That's when I realized you never get over the loss of someone you love. The day will never come when I feel emotionally ready to put the DVDs back on. Morrie also has something to say about emotions, especially negatives ones. Embrace them, recognize them for what they are, and wave goodbye. Don't be afraid of sadness. Experience it and then move on. That's a good advice. Obvious, sensible, but not easy.

I'm working up to it. I want to revive my father's stories for a new generation without a past-- my children, who grow up knowing nothing but peace and plenty. When they stare at the big picture of history, they don't see the "You are here" dot. They find themselves outside of that map--a foreign object filled with lines and symbols and names and numbers that do not mean anything personally. They live their lives without reflection or recollection, because when they turn around, there is nothing to see but a locked door and a sign that says, "Collections burnt down, no borrowing until further notice".

Although much of our heritage is lost to me (and nonexistent to my children), those stories contained in the DVDs are what I rescued from the ashes. And I am the only one who can unlock the content for my children.

Recognize your emotions for what they are, embrace them, and move on.

I'm working up to it.







Saturday, August 3, 2013

Remembering How to Write

Nearly a year ago, I decided to dismantle my blog, not because I no longer wished to write, but because I suddenly felt exposed and vulnerable, knowing just how much of my personal life and private thoughts were out there on display.

It had begun as a way to keep myself tethered to my homeland and my friends as I began a trans-Pacific move I thought might be permanent. However, over the next three years, I saw a shift in my readership, from close friends to strangers, from those who continuously gave me feedback to those who lurked in the murky grayness of cyberspace. For a private person like me, it is a very uncomfortable feeling to know--and most of the time not know--just who have been reading my diary of sorts. Yes, my blog had in some sense turned into a diary.

And yet, I feel encouraged at the same time that after a whole year of inactivity,  my blog is still at the top of the google search list for "Helen's Random Thoughts". I am that Helen whose random thoughts gets read by more people than any other Helen's. I know this distinction seems trivial and silly, and it is, but something inside tells me I've abandoned a living thing in the ashes. And it's sad. The ideas, the body of reflections, recollections, and images had a power of its own, and it reached and touched persons in ways I had not imagined. I felt like I had squashed something wild but living, something that had been valued and enjoyed by some.

So, here I go, trying to recapture the muse again. I may or may not succeed. But feel free to comment or lurk. Feeling vulnerable is not altogether the worst, and I'm learning to overcome that.