Nearly a year ago, I decided to dismantle my blog, not because I no longer wished to write, but because I suddenly felt exposed and vulnerable, knowing just how much of my personal life and private thoughts were out there on display.
It had begun as a way to keep myself tethered to my homeland and my friends as I began a trans-Pacific move I thought might be permanent. However, over the next three years, I saw a shift in my readership, from close friends to strangers, from those who continuously gave me feedback to those who lurked in the murky grayness of cyberspace. For a private person like me, it is a very uncomfortable feeling to know--and most of the time not know--just who have been reading my diary of sorts. Yes, my blog had in some sense turned into a diary.
And yet, I feel encouraged at the same time that after a whole year of inactivity, my blog is still at the top of the google search list for "Helen's Random Thoughts". I am that Helen whose random thoughts gets read by more people than any other Helen's. I know this distinction seems trivial and silly, and it is, but something inside tells me I've abandoned a living thing in the ashes. And it's sad. The ideas, the body of reflections, recollections, and images had a power of its own, and it reached and touched persons in ways I had not imagined. I felt like I had squashed something wild but living, something that had been valued and enjoyed by some.
So, here I go, trying to recapture the muse again. I may or may not succeed. But feel free to comment or lurk. Feeling vulnerable is not altogether the worst, and I'm learning to overcome that.